Old 11-18-2005, 07:14 PM   #1
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Default Next big merger. Involves CSX

Inside sources to both CSX and Amtrak say both railroads are in negations for the next big merger. The details of the plan, still sketchy at this point, are based upon CSX’s abundance of 85’ auto parts boxcars, and Amtrak’s attempt to boost rider ship. According to the sources, CSX will use the boxcars to haul passengers using Amtrak’s power. For a discounted rate, passengers can travel by the boxcars on the end of CSX trains. “It really would be a boost to our revenues” says one anonymous CSX official, “We are losing our butts, and we need a real shot in the arm in the PR department.” Amtrak Officials are also excited. “This will really help us by aligning ourselves with a 1st Class, class 1 railroad.” However, other sources from Amtrak have a different view. “Well, CSX screws up most of our schedules anyway, hopefully if we have more input, we won’t be getting as many service delays caused by shoddy maintenance.”

According to the plan, people would be loaded into the boxcars using ramps, and will sit on epoxy-coated benches. There are no plans by CSX or Amtrak to turn the cars into passenger cars. The only creature comforts will be 100-watt light bulbs and oscillating fans. When asked about the lack of luxury or necessities on the boxcars an Amtrak official said, “Well, it’s not really different from traveling Amtrak now, regular riders, might notice a slight difference.” One concern is the government’s approval of such a merger. The STB might be reluctant to approve any mergers after the recent fiascos of UP and CSX/ NS. “We have thought long and hard about that aspect.” said a CSX official, who wished to remain anonymous, “but we are hopeful we will have no problems pushing this along.” Analysts predict smooth sailing also. Benjamin Dover, of Dewy, Cheetum, and Howe consultants, gave a Joe Namath like guarantee. “Well, seeing as how this White House wants zero funding for Amtrak, this plays right into CSX’s hands.” Dover went on to explain, “the White House wants Amtrak to go away, and taking into account CSX’s history of taking railroads and running them into the ground, it’s only a matter of time before Amtrak is gone.”

What about passenger reaction? Amtrak passengers in Union Station in DC had mostly positive feedback to the idea. “Sounds great” said one “Good idea” said another. One young female passenger from California was pleased. “Like ohmygawd! That would be totally cool, I could like come visit my boyfriend every weekend and that’s….like cool.”

Competition apparently will not be a problem. BNSF officials could not be reached for comment. Only a representative would comment that the officials were busy and mentioned only “ugly ass paint. “ UP officials were just as elusive. Calls to the UP office went unanswered, but an email from marketing said the officials were in a critical strategy meeting. According to the email, UP officials were overheard in the hallway. The only parts that could be made out were “Well we better start washing them” and “Our locos are actually painted yellow”? When NS officials were asked about the merger plans, they laughed, for a long time. Through tears of laughter, one official quoted as saying. “CSX hauling passengers? That will be like ValuJet on wheels.”
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Old 11-18-2005, 07:17 PM   #2
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That is hilarious!

Certainly gave me a well needed chuckle here at work today.
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Old 11-18-2005, 07:58 PM   #3
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I see a future for you at The Onion. ValuJet, hehehe.
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Old 11-19-2005, 01:51 AM   #4
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...or The New York Times.
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Old 11-20-2005, 05:58 AM   #5
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Thats the most stupid thing ive ever heard! but i geuss its cheaper, and it would give a little more money for the pockets of CSX and Amtrak. what will they think of next? people riding on top of intermodal cars?
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Old 11-20-2005, 04:43 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by canadianrailfan
Thats the most stupid thing ive ever heard! but i geuss its cheaper, and it would give a little more money for the pockets of CSX and Amtrak. what will they think of next? people riding on top of intermodal cars?
Well some are compare aspects of US life to how the Europeans do everything. Why not pack the trains like the East Indians do?
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